Georgette is a vegetarian. Any conversation turns inevitably to the health benefits and moral superiority of a meat-free diet. Georgette has never settled down and started a family – but, as she reminds anyone who will listen, she relishes being free of ties, and prefers camping anyway. So now Georgette roams the world alone, sleeping in the open, munching greens and listening to Morrissey.
Rick’s mind used to be like a steel trap. But these days he has trouble remembering his own name. Maybe it’s age, or the constant circling that has blended his brain into mush; or maybe it’s the tedium of living in a habitat only slightly bigger than a teapot.
Frank has a pretty short fuse. His anger management issues prevent him having close relationships – or any, really. Although he craves acceptance, he finds every other living being on the planet intensely annoying, to the extent that he would rather kill them than listen to them for one more second. This has led to him being thrown out of every band he’s auditioned for, although he’s a natural with the maracas.
Bev yearns to travel the world and meet interesting people. She is nothing if not practical, though, and a steady job isn’t to be sneezed at in this day and age. Especially one where all that is required is to sit and ovulate. So Bev soldiers on, waiting for the menopause and experimenting with shell patterning.
Ever since he was a pup, James has been defined by his fascination with spheres. His attention is piqued by anything from a marble to an inflatable globe, and whenever he finds something interesting, James brings it home for his collection, which is arranged in ascending order of size. James likes football, basketball and baseball, is OK with tennis (although he thinks the name could be improved), and thinks rugby is a total waste of time.
Sarah is 93. She puts her youthful good looks down to fresh air, a rigorous skin routine and a small glass of stout before bed. Sarah does find the constant pressure of staying beautiful stressful, however, and unwinds by lying in puddles and nibbling on truffles.
Cynthia never seems to have a spare moment. It doesn’t matter how hard she works, there’s always something else that needs doing. Cynthia dreams of retiring to a tropical island where she can feast on exotic blooms and never work again. Until that day comes, she’ll carry on worrying about being late. Which is odd, since she can’t tell the time.
Bernard keeps himself to himself. He prefers not to engage with others, and has an impressive line in insults to keep conversation to a minimum. When he’s not practising his legendary put-downs, Bernard goes for long night-time walks, especially in autumn, when he delights in decorating his prickles with fallen leaves. In the summer evenings, he lies in wait for the neighbourhood cats, cunningly disguised as a ball.
Monica feels that intimacy is a dream that will forever elude her. A string of unsatisfactory love affairs and an unfortunate incident with a bathing tourist have damaged her reputation. Now she languishes on the bank weeping uncontrollably, and sharing her problems with the plover birds that clean her teeth.
Josh struggles when the nights start drawing in. Relaxing in a sun-kissed shrub with a tasty worm is his thing, not scrabbling for holly berries in the snow. Only his deep-rooted idleness stops him from moving lock, stock to Africa with the swallows. That, and the Christmas card modelling contract, which has 5 more years to run.
Geometry Zoo 