Maud wishes she was a vampire, rather than a humble fruit bat. Sucking on a mango just doesn’t have the same romance as a hypnotised virgin. She loves all the vampire movies, from corny vintage Hammer to bittersweet Scandinavian love stories. Every morning, as the blood rushes to her head, she wishes she had a cosy Transylvanian castle to sleep in, rather than a draughty church belfry in Penge.
Siobhan is a headbanger. She loves 80s speed metal, especially the gnarly harmonies of Judas Priest and Annihilator. To her constant frustration, not one ornithologist has picked up on Siobhan’s rhythmic renderings of classic shredding, although one twitcher did find himself humming ‘The Ace of Spades’ on his way back to the car. Which vexed Siobhan, as she’d been slaying ‘Kraft Dinner’.
Zach can’t wait to grow up. Some day he’ll be a beautiful butterfly, able to flutter between blooms, sip at nectar and be the muse of poets. But for now he is trapped in the body of a larva. Zach feels shapeless and ugly, and finds himself eating constantly to make himself feel better. He has managed to confine himself to salad, but still thinks his prolegs look chubby.
Lucy hates children. Ever since being sold into slavery as a tiny puppy, she has been forced to do tricks to entertain small people. They pull her tail, dress her in ridiculous festive costumes and hold tennis balls tantalisingly out of reach, laughing stupidly. Lucy knows that once the novelty wears off, even these attentions will become rare, and only the fear of being left by the side of the road stops her sinking her teeth into their chubby ankles.
Miriam is resistant to change. And the future is so uncertain. In such an unpredictable world, she doesn’t know how to prepare for what’s coming, or what to tell her children. But Miriam has never been one to ask for help, or to admit that she doesn’t know what she’s doing. So her plan is to hide until everything sorts itself out. Nobody will ever find her here.
Uriah has always dreamed of being a big game fisherman. Comedians with their own fly fishing shows fill him with seething jealousy. He belongs on the screen, wrestling with a marlin for hours before hauling it on board and celebrating with beers and song. Sadly, Uriah was born an otter, not a celebrity. The lack of strength in his forearms forces him to ambush sprats in the local river and eat them alone on a muddy riverbank.
Amelia isn’t cuddly. She’s fed up with doe-eyed wombat fans sighing whenever they see her. It’s got so annoying that these days, she only goes out at night. Truth is, Amelia is a bulldozer, not a cushion. She has a real name as the local expert on demolition, and fills her spare time doing stunt work for badgers. Life is a little lonely, but Amelia has never liked company. The last time a dingo tried to follow her home she crushed its skull with her butt.
Thomas is a big fan of the Big Apple. It’s not the iconic appeal of the yellow cabs, steaming manholes and bag ladies that turn him on, but the skyscrapers. The idea of a two-hundred storey climbing frame inspires him so much more than the limited surroundings of his enclosure. For 12 years now, Thomas has been meticulously planning his escape. Now all he needs is a skeleton key, a trampoline, and a tiny screaming blonde.
Rodrigo can’t get enough of blood. He’s a big fan of horror movies, from classic Hammer to the works of Romero, and even modern splatter movies, although he despairs at the plot lines. One day Rodrigo plans to fly to Hollywood to convince Peter Jackson to abandon hobbits and return to his spiritual home of splatstick. In the meantime, he hangs around outside death metal gigs and digs the skull tattoos.
Felicity is a hugger. It started as an adolescent, when she experimented with born-again religion, and soon she was craving any sort of embrace. After a succession of relationships suffered from her excessive clinginess, Felicity discovered that she could work out her surplus snuggles by grabbing flora. So she joined the Greens and now spends all her time getting tactile with trees. Silver birch has a nice feel, but Felicity’s favourite is eucalyptus, which is lovely and papery. Plus, the leaves get her stoned.
Geometry Zoo 